I Was Part of A ‘Mean Mom’ Group— Here’s What I Learned
Toxic mom-bonding can be a destructive force.
Of all the jobs in the world, motherhood seems to be the most scrutinized of them all — and most of that scrutiny is given out by mothers themselves.
There are so many instances where moms say to themselves or others, ‘I’m such a bad mom.’
Additionally, some mothers are quick to judge the parenting of a fellow mom by pointing out failed parenting methods or perceived behavioral flaws in other people’s children.
This is an ever-evolving problem. With the influx of mom reels and videos on social media, the mom comparison game has significantly impacted mothers everywhere.
While there can be a huge amount of humor and comfort brought forth by ‘mom content’ on social media, a wider and more accessible landing space for judgment has been established.
For some reason, many of us moms (myself included) can easily get caught up in toxic mom bonding, which happens when bonds are created through gossip, negativity, and drama.
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When groups of moms get together and immediately start comparing notes on their kids — what they eat, how they behave, how they’re disciplined, how they’re doing in school, what activities they’re in, which moms work outside of the home, and which moms don’t, a phenomenon of mean girl behavior and unhealthy motherhood competition can begin to grow.
Having been through this experience myself with a particular mom group and eventually coming out the other side of it, I know how intoxicating it can be to find a new pack of mom friends only to realize that, oftentimes, the comparisons, comments, and judgments can quickly escalate into a lack of empathy and destructive behavior if you haven’t found the right tribe of moms.
It would be great if every mom used compassion instead of judgment when they encountered another mom who may not be parenting in the same way or who is struggling with her child.
Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. In so many instances, moms end up engaging in what I call, ‘mean-girl-mom-behavior’ where gossip, insults, back-stabbing, and judgments prevail — just like a pack of mean girls in high school.
I got caught up in one of these mom groups for about a year of my life through a sports club my daughter was involved in. Once I realized how draining the toxic behavior was (that I was participating in) I tried to exit the group quietly. Alas, that plan didn’t go over so well, and once I attempted to leave the group, the other moms seemed to think I was rejecting them in some way, so my child and I became their targets.
Being the new target of the friend group I had been a part of hurt immensely. Ultimately, I ended up getting a good dose of the same vicious behavior I had previously been a part of.
I found out what it was like to be the mom hearing whispers behind her back, getting weird looks when entering a room, and feeling judged at every turn as a woman and as a mother. My daughter had to cope with being in an unhealthy spotlight where the children of these moms were beginning to ostracize her. They were clearly taking their cues from their parents. The whole thing was a nightmare.
However, I learned a lot through this experience—as did my daughter. She got a blunt and hurtful preview of what kind of damage a group of people can do once they decide together that someone is no longer an acceptable member of their special club.
Moms are often vulnerable to judging other moms because of the intense pressure to be a ‘good mom’ and all the emotions accompanying motherhood. One mom who is fearful and insecure about her parenting may lash out by judging another mom to make herself feel better.
When we rush to judgment or criticize we are usually recognizing something about ourselves in the reflection of the other person — our inability to accept our imperfections or even our strengths. In judging another, we are inevitably judging ourselves.
Undoubtedly, there are legitimate reasons for calling a mother ‘bad’. Things like extreme abuse or the serious neglect of a child could be understandable reasons for passing judgment. But even then, it’s a fine line.
Quite often, mothers are feeling downright shitty for things that shouldn’t be anyone else’s business, like their kid struggling in school and getting poor grades, their kid having sour moods once they hit puberty, decisions about when to allow their child to stay home alone, go to a sleepover, or when to start dating. The list could go on forever.
As a mother, you’re engaged in the most demanding job. Finding the right mom tribe can take time — and those who can find a compassionate and open-minded mom tribe tend to benefit immensely.
When a mom receives the emotional support she needs, she usually feels a tremendous amount of relief knowing she is not the only one who feels anxious and worried at times and/or knowing that she is not alone.
The best mom friends are the ones who have empathy even when they may not agree with your parenting methods. None of us know how to be the perfect mom, and we all feel that pressure to ‘do it right.’
There is no certainty in motherhood other than we’re all going to feel like we’re failing at times, and that the value of true connection and compassion with another mom who understands that can make all the difference.
Ostracizing someone because they don’t think the same way you do or parent the same way you do isn’t cool. I’m a little ashamed I had to learn this lesson almost 3 decades after I graduated high school. That was eye-opening for me.
But I’m glad it happened. I’ve come out the other side realizing I still had work to do within myself.
If we allow ourselves to embrace friendships with other moms without extreme judgment or ‘mean girl’ behavior, we can then teach our daughters how to navigate sincere female friendships and relationships without the ever-so-addicting toxicity.
At least I like to think so.
I like comparing notes lol. It helps me stay sane and believe that I didn’t ruin my kids or whatever. But yeah, my wonderful group of mom friends do stay in their lane and there seems to be an unspoken rule to never ever speak ill of one another. We are such different people with such different kids, but we understand that there are many ways to raise a kid (not that we don’t have private opinions. But given we are only outsiders to their lives in the end, it seems unwise to open our traps). I think people are too quick to jump to THIS IS CHILD ABUSE AND WE OUGHT TO CALL THE CPS. Relax. We’re raising kids. Not partaking in ideological purity tests.
Growing can be hurtful. You have to choose friends wisely.