Being A Suburban Mom Was My Worst Nightmare — Then I Became One
Being A Suburban Mom Was My Worst Nightmare — Then I Became One
It’s easy to judge ‘those moms’.
I’m a mom. A stay-at-home mom. A stay-at-home mom who lives in the suburbs. On top of that, I’m also a stepmom.
But this is not the life I originally wanted.
I always had this fantasy of being free to travel the world and live however I wished. I certainly didn’t want to be tied down to a husband, much less have children. I thought settling down and eventually becoming a mom in the suburbs meant life was officially over.
But I did get married. Then I got divorced. I was single and child-free for quite some time. I thought I was back on track and knew exactly what I wanted — or didn’t want.
I watched the people around me at work find new relationships, get married, and have babies. I felt that they weren’t free at all. From my perspective, they were tied down, over-scheduled, and stressed out.
But they were living.
One day I realized I was watching them live from the sidelines, masquerading behind my veil of ‘independence’ when the reality was that I had been jumping from one destructive relationship to another. I wasn’t free. I wasn’t living my best life.
At the root of it all, I was afraid. I was afraid to fall in love and be hurt again. I was afraid to invest in someone long-term.
And then I met the man who would later become the person I’m married to today. I was a tough shell to crack as far as he was concerned. I wasn’t interested in commitment because I was too scared of cleaning up the pieces when it all fell apart, which is all I had ever known in my romantic relationships.
I was only focused on the negative aspects of being in a relationship because — for the most part — all of my previous relationships had ended in heartbreak. I didn’t want to go there again.
But my now-husband was very persistent. He slowly coaxed me out of my fear and into a safe place where I could receive love again without feeling suspicious. I fell hard for him. The relationship wasn’t dark or scary. It was hopeful and inspiring.
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It was challenging, of course. He was a single dad to a young son. But the relationship felt mature. It was grown-up. There was no drama or theatrics.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter. Shortly after that, we purchased our home, and I moved out of the tiny one-bedroom apartment I had lived in and shared with my two cats for eight years.
My little cocoon in which I hid from having a life filled with babies, school drop-offs, marriage, and the day-to-day struggle of raising a family was now in the rearview mirror. Myself, my pregnant belly, my husband, and my stepson moved into a beautiful home in the suburbs — my presumed worst nightmare.
I realize now that my disdain for becoming a suburban housewife was about more than getting married, having kids and living in the suburbs. It was about my fear of losing my sense of identity. I didn’t want to be the stereotypical suburban housewife.
However, as time went on, I realized that I didn’t have to be ‘typical’. I could move to the suburbs, raise kids, be a partner, and create an identity on my own terms.
I eventually learned that every mom who lives in the suburbs and stays at home or who goes out to work has their own story, their own problems, and their own confusion about how to do this thing called raising a family and still keep their identity intact. No one knows how to do it right. They’re just doing it. And it’s a brave thing to do.
I know it’s easy to judge ‘those moms’ who drive SUVs, wear yoga pants, and shop at Target. I know because I used to judge them. But now I know better. THAT mom isn’t every mom and many of those moms out there who we judge may have had a very different vision for their lives at one time. Plans change. People fall in love—and sometimes they end up in the suburbs.
Living a child-free life with different kinds of fulfillment is awesome if that’s where your story takes you. For me, having my own family meant a new chapter that ultimately helped me heal from my past. I didn’t have to become subservient or give up my dreams like I had imagined I would. I did have to make more emotional and physical space for my family which was challenging for me.
I can say that I am fulfilled in my suburban life. I do the things that need to be done for my family and I’m also following my passions such as writing this right now. I’m peeling away the layers of fear I carried for so long.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened to me if I had stayed in that little apartment and had never met my current husband. Would I still have met someone to share my life with? Would I have found a fulfilling life without a partner or children? Would I have become the forever single ‘cat lady’?
I’ll never know.
I do know that the label of ‘suburban mom’ is just a label. It’s not everything that I am.
And I’m not afraid of it anymore.